11/1/2009 11:22 pm
Last Read:
11/7/2009 3:19 pm
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I was listening to Dr. Laura Berman show tonight on XM-radio, and she reminded me of what I did to ruin one or two relationships (maybe more, maybe all of them, who knows...nah, there was one that was an exception, my best one). A woman called in and said that her boyfriend didn't always keep his word. The boyfriend spoke, too. He said he tended to get scatterbrained sometimes. However, he said that he felt she was testing him - as if she expected him to fail her (all because of her history of a failed father). Well, I've done similar things. I expected some boyfriends to fail me. And they did. At least now I am so aware of that, and my past best relationship had escaped those trials. However, I have done that with someone last year again, after so many years in "recovery," haha - but what I did wasn't entirely about me, it was about him, too. I have perceived that capacity to "fail" others in him, and it was amplified in the relationship because I subconsciously expected it.
Men need to feel that they are doing a good job. I have failed to let some of them know that, because the negative things they did overshadowed the positive at the time for me...Now I know better. Now that there are no men for me here...and I don't mind writing about this stuff. I have forgiven myself for what I've done in the past. Everyone has issues. The important thing is that TWO people should be wanting to do the work - not just ONE. And therein lies a challenge.
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5457 posts 11/2/2009 12:15 am |
As my ex the Devil worshiper used to tell me "You can't forgive anyone until you learn to forgive yourself."
The Slug
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610 posts 11/2/2009 3:37 am |
I subscribe totally to the Donald Trump view of relationships. An interviewer had suggested to the Donald that his ex said he didn't "work" at the relationship that ultimately failed. To paraphrase Trump, he said, "I work hard enough- I shouldn't have to work at a relationship." I agree with him: It either works or it doesn't. If the chemistry is there, it should be a pleasure. If anyone ever asks me to work at a relationship, I will tell them: "You're fired!"
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15525 posts 11/2/2009 9:20 am |
Paradox, Donald Trump is not a good role model for me Yes, love should be easy and not feel like work, and I've had a relationship like that, it lasted for a while, but eventually each partner's issues surface, and some "work" (meaning: communication!)is necessary, and both must be aware of it!
Slug, your ex was right, and, I guess, it's a process. I think we can always discover something within ourselves that hasn't been forgiven.
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3018 posts 11/2/2009 9:57 am |
Always a process, and the lessons seem to take learning and learning over again, don't they? So many permutations.
So yes, forgiving oneself for the process, for the mistakes and the epiphanies, is utterly necessary!
The Hendrix stuff is useful....
love ya!
j
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15525 posts 11/2/2009 11:45 am |
Love you too, J.!
Glad Hendrix is useful. Hope you're OK.
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8752 posts 11/2/2009 12:54 pm |
sometimes, you reach the end-of-life for a relationship. it's neither good nor bad -- it just is. if both of you gained something from it, it was successful; if neither of you did, it was a failure. period. so start looking for the growth  .
that said, i have had only successful relationships. each one taught me so much, and i learned to appreciate new personalities, new mindsets, new minds, new bodies -- and they are now a part of me.
dammit, i'm a vampire. gah.
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455 posts 11/2/2009 2:10 pm |
every long lasting relationship between a woman and man
that i have ever seen involved challenges to see who could
win at out nicing the other...when 'takers' are involved
its doomed from the beginning...when both want to do what
ever it takes to make it work, then it seems to work about
51% of the time
btw, 51% good is all anyone could realistically hope for
if you get/give more than 51% it is exceptional
"Liberty lives in hearts and minds ..once it dies there no laws, no government, can save it" L Hand
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15525 posts 11/2/2009 4:39 pm |
LBD, frankly, what you are saying about having only successful relationships,can be perceived as either an exaggeration or one-upmanship. Maybe it's a matter of re-framing it, and then ANY relationship can be considered successful, because I don't see how it is possible not to learn from it. We learn whether we want to, or not. Maybe you mistook my "screwing up" thing for the word "failure." When I say "fail" it's about actions, and not about relationship as a whole. However, I do not deny that there is such a thing as a failed relationship. And that's when only one partner is engaged in making it better, or different. I don't consider any of my relationships failures. But I can recognize the mistakes I've made that I will not or try not to repeat again.
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15525 posts 11/2/2009 4:42 pm |
G-Angel, I don't know if you can put a percentage value on something so immeasurable- but I think I know what you mean.
Agree about the takers - it's hopeless because a relationship then is perpetually off-balance. But, then, there is a reason some of us are drawn to takers at times.
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8752 posts 11/2/2009 8:48 pm |
Quoting GypsyTunes:
LBD, frankly, what you are saying about having only successful relationships,can be perceived as either an exaggeration or one-upmanship. Maybe it's a matter of re-framing it, and then ANY relationship can be considered successful, because I don't see how it is possible not to learn from it. We learn whether we want to, or not. Maybe you mistook my "screwing up" thing for the word "failure." When I say "fail" it's about actions, and not about relationship as a whole. However, I do not deny that there is such a thing as a failed relationship. And that's when only one partner is engaged in making it better, or different. I don't consider any of my relationships failures. But I can recognize the mistakes I've made that I will not or try not to repeat again.
gypsy, i did not mean to insult you. this wasn't meant to be one upmanship, thank you for bringing that to my attention. it wasn't meant to be an exaggeration either; as you said, by my definition, there are very rare cases when any relationship would be called a failure.
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15525 posts 11/2/2009 9:43 pm |
LBD, that's OK. I see that we define things differently. I do not consider my relationships failures, but I did feel like a failure after some of them ended. There is a difference there. Also, there were occasions when one person failed the other, or both failed each other. yet, those relationships weren't failures in their entirety. However, I am not afraid of the word "failure," by and large, when it comes to relationships. I do have a huge fear of failure when it comes to work I am glad your experiences have been successful. Actually, come to think of it, I can't say that I have ever thought of relationships as successes or failures...you made me think of something.
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